Still on the Struggle Bus

I started this blog back in June...and it's October.  I'm still struggling.  I haven't found that motivation or the will to change.

I want it.  I have pants I want to wear.  I have things coming up I want to look/feel good for.  But it HAS to be about more than that.  Wanting it isn't enough.  I have to work hard and lose weight.

If you want to know the honest truth, I think I'm fighting this because I think I'm fighting God.

I KNOW this is what God has for me right now.  I'm not entirely sure why.  I'm healthy enough.  Doctors tell me I'm "ok."  But, I think God is wanting to use my testimony of transformation for HIM.

In the past, I've used it for me.

And I think I'm scared of that.  I think I'm scared of really trying again.  I'm scared of what God is asking me to do.  To get healthy.  To lose weight.  To work tirelessly day after day.  To pick up on this journey for the 1000th time and "start over."

But I know I HAVE to.  I'm defeated, and I know that is not from the Lord.

So here's my manifesto:

I will try.  I will not ask perfection, but I will try.  Every day.  Every meal.  I will try at every opportunity.

I will make better choices.  I will ask myself "Can I do better here?"

I will splurge responsibly (aka for a meal...not a whole day or weekend).

I will NOT live through food.  I will live through experiences and conversations.

I will meal plan.  I will pack lunches and I will pre-choose healthy items when we are going out.

I will ask for accountability when I need it.

I won't do anything I can't sustain (no juice cleanses, crazy 8 week boot camps, crash diets).

I will: count calories, workout 5 days a week, say "no" more often.

I will not set goals that are meaningless.  Working out 3 mornings in a week is good, but its meaningless if I follow my workout with a donut.

I will not be negative.  This is hard, but it's not impossible.  I will try not to complain about my choices.  I will try and see the joy in obedience.

I will not depend on willpower, I will make conscious choices.

I will weigh myself tomorrow, record it here and not look back.

I will reward myself.  Every pound is a song I can download. Every 10 pounds earns a massage.

Every pound is a victory.

I will work to be 160 again.  I will be 160 again.



That's it.  Day 1. Again.